I am so excited right now that I could hardly contain myself. I just received the following email:
Re: Dear Beloved in Christ,I am Mrs.Mary Parker an aging widow suffering from long time illness. I have some funds I inherited from my late husband, the sum of 7.5 Million Pounds and I needed a very honest and God fearing Christian that will use the fund for God’s work, I found your email address from the internet and decided to contact you. Please if you would be able to use the funds for the Lord’s work, kindly reply me at firstname.lastname@example.org Yours in the Lord. Mrs.Mary Parker.
I had to reply right away in case she changed her mind. Here is a copy of my response to this kind woman. (Is this what a philanthropist is?)
Dear Mrs. Parker, or can I call you Mary? As a hard-working man with a wife and 3 sons plus a foster kid and an exchange student, I think you made a great choice. And to think, you found my email on the internet! And just by my email, you could tell that I was someone who needed a portion of your inheritance. Well I do and God must have sent you my way because you couldn’t have come at a better time. You also could not have chosen a better man.
Mary, I am sorry to hear that your husband passed away and you yourself is suffering from a long time illness, as you put it. I know of a woman whose husband died also and she’s quite sick herself. Unfortunately, he didn’t leave her 7.5 million dollars though. In fact he didn’t leave her any millions, or thousands for that matter. I think he left her his stamp collection but don’t quote me on that, Mary.
At your age and with your health issues, I realize that it is almost impossible for you to do God’s work. How did you even make it to the computer in your condition? Anyways, I am a very honest and God-fearing Christian and would respect your wishes that I spend your money doing God’s work. I must tell you though, that I would need a new house, new cars, new clothes and same for the family. This is just so I could look professional while doing God’s work. I would also need to quit my current job. Oh, by the way, I think the people in British Columbia are in need of some spiritual attention so maybe I should move there and leave this
cold boring prairie lovely city of Winnipeg. Oh I am so excited! My email is probably not making too much sense right now. Forgive me, Mary.
Mary, I have to tell you something. You see you are not the only one who has offered to share their windfall with me. The good Lord has also sent a few Nigerians who have all offered me a share of their financial payouts from various court battles or insurance settlements. On a bitter-sweet note, last week my great-aunt that I never knew passed away. I got the email (Yes an email. How rude eh?) letting me know that she had left me a huge sum of money. All I had to do was send my banking information to her so it could be deposited. HEY!! WAIT A MINUTE! HOW COULD SHE EMAIL ME IF SHE WAS ALREADY DEAD? This is so weird! Kinda freaky actually. Oh well. It’s all about the Benjamin. (No Mary, Benjamin is not a relative. It’s Benjamin Franklin who is…never mind.)
I just want to say thanks again for the consideration and hope you feel better soon. Please find below, my banking information and my SIN just in case.
Jesus loves you and so do I. Take care Mary.
Yours In Christ,
P.S. Because one can never be too careful with all the computer frauds and scams these days, I have decided to send you my information in a separate email. To show my appreciation, I have decided that on receipt of the funds, I will send you my Mars rock that I inherited from my great great great great grandpa. It’s a genuine rock taken from the first manned space expedition to Mars. Thanks again!