Excuse me, can I squeeze your buns?

I love you. Both of you.

Some call it a fetish, others use words like obsession and sickness, worthy of an intervention.  I just simply say ‘I love bread’.  LOVE IT!  What’s not to love about that glorious and heavenly smell of freshly-baked bread?  (I think I can actually hear harps when I smell bread).  Coat it with a bit of butter and watch as it melts, leaving a smooth sheen…mmmm….

It all started back when I was a little boy growing up in a village on the island of St. Vincent.  My Granny would bake bread in an oven made from an oil drum.  The smell of fresh bread would assail my nostrils almost every Saturday and holidays.  It was the best smell ever and I was instantly drawn to it.  Since then, I was bought, owned and whipped like a ‘yes man’.  Bread became my Achilles heel.

My Granny’s look something like this

You know how in most cases, the smell of food is not justified by its taste?  Well not so with fresh homemade bread.  The taste is just as good as the smell.  Mmmm…I could never get enough.

When my wife has no choice but to take me shopping, I would disappear from her side the moment we walk through the doors.  She always knows where to find me, the bread aisle of course.  I’ll be there randomly squeezing bread and mentally drooling over their softness.  Sometimes I would take one to her. “Honey, feel this!  Just squeeze it!  Wow! Soft eh?”…oooh.”  She would give the bread a courtesy squeeze just to satisfy my boyish excitement.  One time, or was it twice?  I actually squeezed a shopper’s  bread in a checkout line.  It begged to be squeezed so I obeyed.  Was it soft?  YES!

I could go on and on about my love for bread.  It is my ultimate weakness.  Bread hot out of the oven makes me weak in the knees.  There’s no hope for me.  I love Pizza Hut’s pizzas, why? Because they are more bread than toppings.   Salad and bread sticks at Olive Garden is usually bread sticks and bread sticks.  My friends all know about my fetish addiction.  I have been called names such as Bread Basket and Bread Squeezer as far back as I can remember.   One of our exchange students from Brazil,  sent me a soft rubber bun for me to squeeze.

Do I have a bread maker? You bet I do, been married to her for almost…what? Oh you meant an automatic bread maker.  Sorry but Yes to that too.

High Tech Bread Making.

I recently posted some fresh bread photos on Facebook.  It has almost 30 likes and keeps growing, so I can assume that I am not alone in my passion for flour. Here are some of the comments:

 “You must be in your glory you old bread squeezers you….”
“Where can you look for Carlos, when you can’t find him in the supermarket? …..in the bread section! 🙂:)
” Is it wrong that that many people are aware of your bread squeezing habit?? We need an intervention!”  
The last entry was my wife’s.
Now if you are like me, you should be smelling fresh bread now even though there’s none around.  That’s the sign of a true bread addict.  Click ‘like’ if you are.



About Enigma

I am just a normal guy with an abnormal way of thinking. Proud father to three remarkable boys and devoted husband to an angelic wife who knows everything and does everything to perfection. So I am BLESSED!
This entry was posted in Family, Food, Life and tagged , , , , , , , , , . Bookmark the permalink.

11 Responses to Excuse me, can I squeeze your buns?

  1. charityhitt says:

    You’re definitely not alone in your ‘passion for flour’! haha. What kind of bread maker do you use?

  2. Sanctified Brother says:

    I love bread, as well. The sad thing is that I can’t bake bread to save my life—neither in the oven nor in a bread machine. One of my goals for the next year is to make as many loaves as possible until I get it right.

    • Enigma says:

      Get yourself a bread machine, bro. Trust me! I used to be just like you, wishing I could bake but couldn’t. Then we got a bread maker and I never have to wait on the wife or my mom anymore. Do it!

      • Anonymous says:

        I believe I’ll take your advice. I was looking at the Panasonic SD YD250. Do you recommend the machine you have? I want to make horizontal loaves for sandwich-type-loaves.

      • Anonymous says:

        I commented and realized I wasn’t logged in… I’m going to take your advice. Do you recommend your bread machine (which model is it)? I see the Panasonic SD YD250 has great reviews and I was looking to get it. I need a machine that can make horizontal loaves.

      • Enigma says:

        I have the Black and Decker all in one. (see photo in blog). The loaves are made in a vertical position but they can be sliced for sandwiches. The slices are a bit thick though as expected from home-made bread. My wife has take it up a notch. She uses the machine just to knead the flour. Then she bakes them in the oven as one would normally do. The bread pics used as the main photo were made this way. Once you get going, the possibilities are endless!

  3. Sanctified Brother says:

    I tried the bread machine again and couldn’t get anything except bricks. With nothing left to lose, I tried baking from scratch once more. Finally, success. I’m a baker now. I made my second batch of wheat bread last night.

  4. Enigma says:

    Congrats! You have actually mastered the art of baking! I have given up on trying from scratch but after your comments, I am thinking I should give it another shot. Good for you!

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